The Fabulous Fifties

July 2005

Driving to the Olympic Peninsula for the weekend, kids in the car plus enough stuff to outfit a family of 5 for 3 days. It's a long drive, so we stack disks into the CD changer. One of them I received from my brother. It's a copy of one of the "Fabulous Fifties" albums, you know, the ones they advertise along with Ginsu knives, not available in stores, yours now for 3 easy payments of only $13.99.


July 1978

Driving to Paris, TN for 2 weeks, kids in the car plus a 27-foot Terry travel trailer, and enough stuff to outfit a family of 6 for forever. It's a long drive, so Dad loads one of the bright yellow 8-track tape albums from the "Fabulous Fifties" collection he'd purchased recently. We know what's coming; we beg, plead, harass and mutiny but to no avail. Dad loves these songs, and he sings along at the top of his rather formidable lungs, each and every note off-pitch just enough to break your will to live.


July 2005

"If you lo-o-o-ved me half as much as I love you..." The scratchy strains fill the car and I hear chattering children in the back begging for a different CD; but over the noise I hear Dad's voice - flat and sharp and exuberant - singing along. "...you wouldn't tre-e-e-at me half as bad the way that you do...". And I don't beg him to stop. And as my husband's hand reaches for mine, I notice that I'm crying.

An announcement in the public interest.

Because many of you are going to be alarmed by this photo showing my 2-year-old operating a motorized personal water craft, today I'm going to tell you a story about how Littlest Eclectic (pictured here) came to be genetically engineered to move through water aggressively. If you don't get the moral of this story, then you deserve whatever consequences befall you.

After our second child was born, Mr. E and I thought it would be good to close the baby factory at our house. We decided upon the vasectomy as the most practical choice. Besides, there's that whole notion of paybacks for pregnancy, childbirth and breast-feeding. At any rate, when Little Boy Eclectic (now 8, not pictured above) was about 2&1/2, we dammed the river.

But, the universe has a sense of humor, and it's not always funny.

When I became ill about 2&1/2 years after that, I was sure it was the flu, even though my cycle was late. Because I knew I hadn't been doing any outsourcing, and Mr. E was fixed! But then the damn test stick kept showing 2 lines. "For godsakes, they must have changed the code and now two lines = NOT pregnant" is what I was thinking, when I actually retrieved the box from the recycling bin to read the instructions. Nope, 2 lines still = pregnant.

WTF??

Turns out: you actually have to go back in and get those little dams checked to make sure no swimmers are getting past 'em, 'cause they sometimes build a fish ladder to get upstream. Turns out: the rationale, "Well, if it hasn't happened by now, it isn't going to" is a TOTAL fallacy and only really dumb people would believe it...dumb people who are going to be parents.

Anyone here still shocked to find him driving a SeaDoo?

Blue skies smilin' at me. Nothin' but blue skies...

On the Olympic Peninsula, you can never be sure it won't be cool and cloudy, even at the peak of summer. But this weekend was perfect. Absolutely perfect. This is the Sol Duc river. It's spectacular! It sports salmon and steelhead runs, as well as rainbow trout. God, what a weekend!!

Sorry Aaron...

Yes -- that's a spin casting rod the Littlest Eclectic is using -- but we were visiting some friends at their lake cabin and he wanted to fish. This rig was all they had. He actually caught a flip-flop. No, that's not a fish, it's a sandal...but oh, he was proud! It was probably 8 or 9 inches long, too. Success is clearly in the eye of the beholder, n'est c'pas?

Brain dead.

Okay, I know it's only Tuesday night, but I'm completely played out here. I don't even have much in the "accomplished" column of my mental "to do" list! What on earth have I done with all my energy and drive?

OPEN NOTICE TO WHOMEVER STOLE MY ENERGY FOR THE WEEK: You suck. If you give it back, you won't suck as much.

That is all.

When good inlaws go bad...part one.

Props to my friend sierrabella for this idea. I thought I'd compile a running list of things said by inlaws. If any of you cannot post such a list due to the possibility that those very inlaws will read your blog, you are welcome to add it to the comments here.

1. "Oh, the baby is so sweet! And small!! But the extra weight looks good on you."

2. At the end of a meal in the early days of our marriage: "Don't be ridiculous! You don't need a dishwasher. I'll do these myself if it's too hard for you."

3. When visiting our first home shortly after we had purchased it: "Well! It's a quaint little home, but you really don't have the flare, do you."

4. Soon after my 30th birthday: "This haircut is so much better than that other one. It made you look old."

5. At 9:30pm during a visit: "What do you mean they don't need ice cream this late? Of course they do!" Followed promptly by the serving of same.


Mostly I love them and they love me, but every now and then you just gotta say WTF?!

With love, from Mom

There I was, minding my own business... well, to be accurate I was minding your own business since I was checking blogs and commenting and stuff... but, back to me. There I was, minding my own business when the doorbell rang. I went to the door and to my surprise, there stood the postman.

***In this case, he really was a man, so I hope my insensitive use of the word "postman" did not offend anyone. If it did, please just mentally insert the phrase "/woman" and have a drink, you'll be alright.***

He (the postman -- sheesh you guys, stay with me, here...) held -- at arm's length -- a rather large package which appeared to have been through a war zone, and when I opened the door he cautiously set it down and involuntarily inched away from it. I instantly recognized the handwriting on the label as my mother's, and simultaneously became aware that the battered package was literally plastered with stickers like the one pictured here.

And I thought to myself, "Aw gee, isn't that nice? Hazardous materials from Mom."

And the winner is:

The newest Eclectic-mobile is a Honda Pilot! We had to settle for our second choice on color in order to meet our perceived need for instant transportation, but in all honesty I think the silver is nice. It's Ultra Low Emissions Vehicle(ULEV) rated, and averages 25 mpg. For an 8-passenger vehicle, that's not bad. Regrettably it's not a hybrid, but at least it's not a belching guzzler.

100 Things

1. I was born in Denver, CO.
2. I'm the youngest of 4 and the only girl.
3. Blue: my eyes and my favorite color.
4. If religion had not ruled my upbringing, I would be a professional musician.
5. I think funerals are ghoulish and I want to be cremated.
6. I believe in organ donation and transplants.
7. I LOVE Brussels sprouts.
8. I do not eat Brussels sprouts because I love my husband more.
9. My best friend in high school and college is 6'1" tall.
10. I am 5'4".
11. We never borrowed each other's clothes or shoes.
12. I believe in global warming and it disturbs me.
13. I graduated from law school at age 23, the youngest person ever at that school.
14. I never planned to attend law school.
15. My grandma is not related to me by blood.
16. I once drove from Lincoln, NE to Moscow, ID by myself, stopping only for gas.
17. I have visited all 50 of the United States.
18. I have never visited Europe or Australia, but I plan to remedy that.
19. Grammar and Linguistics was my favorite undergraduate course.
20. Anatomy and Physiology was my second-favorite.
21. I refused to take Accounting or Intro. to Business.
22. I am now a business owner. **sheesh**
23. I have worked in the medical field, the legal profession, the fitness industry, recreation and hospitality, and in music education, but never in a fast-food restaurant.
24. I once had an elk fall on my head.
25. In the 4th grade, I prayed for brown hair, seriously.
26. I'm a natural redhead, but I won't prove it to you.
27. I was "the kid with asthma" and struggle against that self-identity even now.
28. Asthma made me a better musician -- no time spent on sports as a kid.
29. I actually like Silk soy milk.
30. I LOVE cheese, especially brie.
31. I HATE Valentine's Day: Hallmark-induced romance isn't romance at all.
32. Band-aid brand bandages are the best.
33. Neosporin -- every cut, every time.
34. I took first place in two divisions at a bodybuilding competition.
35. I still wish my body could be better. **sheesh, again**
36. Bananas are best with green still around the base of the stems and no spots.
37. I doubt that anyone will read any farther than this.
38. I'm allergic to cats; I cannot keep from petting them at other's houses.
39. But dogs: I love, adore, and get ridiculous over, dogs. God spelled backward...
40. I'm a social liberal, but a fiscal conservative. Can you say "Sybil"?
41. I have voted in every presidential election since I was 18.
42. I have never registered with any political party.
43. I actually research candidates, even at the city/county level before I vote.
44. In 3rd grade, I took gymnastics for a month. I couldn't point my toes.
45. I still can't.
46. I wore braces...twice.
47. I can't believe that some women actually enjoyed pregnancy.
48. Coffee is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
49. I tie flies. I like it, too.
50. I also like wire-wrapping, and make jewelry when I have time.
51. Other than that, I am not craft-y at all.
52. Some of my favorite childhood memories are from the top of Long's Peak.
53. I was a "Daddy's girl."
54. I ride a Specialized Dolce Comp, and I'm about to get new rims. Yay!
55. I dislike running.
56. I want to summit Mt. Rainier.
57. If I had unlimited funds, I'd travel forever.
58. I won't go to scary/gory movies. My imagination runs amok and I can't sleep.
59. Last summer I ate my first lobster... on Cape Cod. I felt sorry for it.
60. I played the oboe, piano, flute, and bassoon back in the day.
61. I have no talent for interior design.
62. Backpacking into a natural hot spring in the Idaho wilderness is one of life's sweetest joys.
63. Especially if you schlepped in a bottle of excellent wine.
64. My first car was a Volvo, named Rufus.
65. Every other car I've owned has been a Honda.
66. I want to speak French.
67. I should learn to speak Spanish, but I'm going to learn French.
68. I can distinguish between a western or mountain Hemlock, a Grande or Douglas Fir, a white pine or Ponderosa.
69. One of my roommates was a forestry graduate student.
70. I can imitate the sound of a dental drill almost perfectly.
71. I've only ever had one cavity.
72. Another of my roomates was a dental student.
73. I wore an assymetrical haircut in the 80s.
74. I secretly like some country music.
75. I have every album Journey ever made.
76. I've lived in 5 different states.
77. Why are you still reading? I'm bored with myself by now...aren't you?
78. I'm terrible about sending "thank you" notes, but very good at showing gratitude.
79. My appendix was removed when I was eleven.
80. I hate to shop - for anything - but especially shoes.
81. I applied, and was accepted to medical school but never went.
82. My friend, Linda and I both applied to Harvard for undergrad; she wasn't accepted and applying had been her idea in the first place. I threw the acceptance letter away.
83. Sometimes I wish I hadn't.
84. Sometimes I'm glad I did.
85. I was never a Girl Scout.
86. I was never a Boy Scout, either.
87. I think professional athletes and owners and the whole industry is ridiculous, but...
88. I enjoy watching professional football and I'm a Broncos fan.
89. I cannot reconcile that dichotomy.
90. My standard order at Subway is the 6-in. turkey on wheat.
91. I have always wanted to play the guitar, but not enough to do anything about it.
92. I was in-house counsel for an enormous healthcare conglomerate for 3.5 years.
93. I sang the "Star Spangled Banner" to open a college-league baseball game.
94. My alarm is set for 4:15 every morning. Insanity.
95. I have been known to quote from the "Pink Panther" movies and no one gets it.
96. My grandpa played keyboards with the Tommy Dorsey Band in the '20s and '30s.
97. When I was 10 I had a hamster named Sniffer, and gave him a funeral when he died.
98. I was conceived via sabotage. If you simply must know, email me and I'll give you the details.
99. I blush easily but can swear like a sailor. Go figure.
100. My garage is a disaster and I'm embarrassed by it. Still, I'm here blogging...

Everybody wants to rule the world.

It had to happen. The woman must realize that the universe is not entirely at her beck and call.

You see, if she had everything the way she chose, terrorists would end up like Wyle E. Coyote: on the receiving end of all the ACME weapons he intended would harm the Road Runner. But then she heard of the Londoners in dark tunnels, and a little part of her died with them.

If the world were by her design, politics for their own sake would never have a dog in the fight, laws could be evaluated by truth and justice alone. But then she read about O'Connor and Gonzales, and Bush and 'the Coalition', and a little part of her recoiled in disgust.

If it were up to her, athletes could be admired and compensated based on their societal contributions, not advertising revenues...and so could teachers. But even if Lance wins the Tour, and the Mariners - another game, Mrs. Podoll will still be left to bestow love and learning on yet another class of 2nd-graders for not one penny more. And yet another little part of the woman felt sick.

The stark reality is that none of it is what she would select were the selection available to her. And the sense of futility lay oppressive like a wool blanket on a Louisiana summer night.

Once upon a time there was a post...

I wish I had something witty and hilarious, or wrenching and thought-provoking to say; something that would draw you all in and grip your emotions or tickle your funny bones and make you want to read more, more, more. But if I did, and if you wanted more, then I'd be compelled to write yet more, more, more. And while I'd love to ... at a certain level I'm just too tired to compete with myself that way.

Just now, as I was editing what must certainly have been that one scintillating post, my Littlest Eclectic crawled under the desk and cut the power to e v e r y t h i n g. My computer is probably smart enough to have saved it all somewhere, but I'm a technological cretin and can't be bothered to hunt it down.

So you're stuck with this drivel. Stream of consciousness without benefit of halucinogens. Unless of course you have some, in which event I'd advise you -- as your lawyer of course -- to partake of them immediately. It will make this whole ordeal, I mean, post, much more entertaining!

Photograph this!

Ever see four attorneys in the same room at the same time working toward a common goal and enjoying the process? Yeah, me neither..., but in this situation it really happened.

We're being photographed for the upcoming phone book ad, trying to exude a look of professionalism and confidence, in our dark wool gabardine suits with white shirts, the men wearing ties and myself in nylons.

***tangent*** What IS it with hosiery? Why in the name of all that's holy has society determined that friggin' tights are an appropriate thing for fully adult women to wear with business suits?! They itch; they sag; they run; they make you sweat; they make your legs look shiny and sound swishy; there's just not a good thing to be said about them. Fish nets? OK, that's something else altogether...but basic nylons? What?!? If you want to see people in tights, go to the ballet!! ***end tangent***

The photographer decides that we're not nearly close enough together in that 85-degree portrait studio, and positions us so that we're literally linked arms around each other's waists, heads inclined ever so slightly toward the center. And as we're fidgeting in place, Scott says, "Chachi, stop it." The room held its breath.

See, "Chachi" isn't his name. It's John. He's our newest associate. He's 14 years younger than the rest of us. The photographer had asked him to stand on a "booster step" -- right behind Scott.

As the sweat made its way ever so creepingly down the fronts of our shirts and the backs of our knees, John started laughing so hard that the entire group shook. We laughed till the tears outran the sweat; the one-liners flew fast and furious until all traces of professionalism had fled the building. As if of one mind, we all purposed to thwart the poor photographer from ever capturing us in a pose even vaguely resembling a group of intelligent advocates. God, it was fun!!

If you had been there, you might have heard:

"I can do anything! As long as there's enough caffeine."


"This thing is leaking. Seriously, my butt's all wet."


Me: "Did Mike just say he always ropes up his girlfriends?" Mr. E: "That's what I heard...."


"I love this! It's always harder in the dark..."


"It feels like the mountain is moving." "No, that's only if you're Mohammed."


"Time for your spankin', young lady."



Note: For context on the above, see Comments on "Happy Birthday to me."

Happy Birthday to me...

Although it isn't until tomorrow, this would indicate that it's going to be a very happy birthday indeed! Here you can see two of my favorite things up close and personal. Yes, it's a bottle of scotch. Sorry Brando...tekilla just doesn't have a chance with Glenfiddich around. Yes, I like it straight up, although I may not be able to stand straight up thereafter. And yes, it will last me well into next year unless any of you are up for having a shot or two with me...! And the roses, well...they're just so doggone beautiful, I couldn't resist showing them off.

Happy Second and Fourth, everyone!

Say it isn't so!

This bodes ill. Maybe we can get someone from Enron, or another friend of Mr. Bush, to do for the Supreme Court -- and thus America as a whole -- what Enron has done for corporate ethics. That'll be great.