Helpless.
Not knowing how to finesse this, nor how to NOT think about it, I've decided just to write it bluntly here. If you are squeamish, it may cause you discomfort. For that, I am sorry.
A healthy woman, younger than I, with whom I'm friends -- our daughters play on the same soccer team -- has lapsed into a coma after her heart inexplicably stopped. It is completely destroyed beyond any repair or replacement even if a donor one were immediately available. They were unable to revive her for over 40 minutes, despite CPR and emergency response, so now she is brain dead, and they are preparing to remove her from life support. She has a husband and two daughters, one 14, one much younger.
I am spinning from this news. My default response is to start cooking and baking and try like hell to find a way to help. But it won't. Nothing does.
And on this self-same day, I've been made aware of another nightmare situation unfolding involving the 5 year-old daughter of a close friend of Mr. Eclectic's. I can imagine only a very few things worse than the situation they're facing. And I am powerless, POWERLESS, to help.
I'm fairly spinning around with helplessness all of a sudden.
I can't really help the family who is living with us as they break into two parts. I mean, nothing helps in a divorce. Not really. All an outsider can do is try to pick up the pieces as best you can and hope they heal eventually. You can't really help the process. Nor can I help my brother kick his cancer in the ass. He's got to do it -- or not -- on his own. I can listen, can care, can love... but when the shoe drops, he's on his own. Nothing any of us can do will help.
Of course I KNOW all this, have known it forever. We all do. We all instinctively know that when tragedy kicks you in the gut and leaves you spinning, there isn't really anything anyone can do except press forward and assist the others around you to do the same. And in doing that, you really are doing all you can do. I KNOW.
I get it. And honestly, those of you who worry? I'm not freaking out, I don't feel like a failure for not being able to help. But by gawd for the moment, I AM spinning with the frustration of knowing that "helping" really IS only "helping." It's all anyone can do, but I wish that weren't so.
2009, you've made your point. You CAN be a big, bad ugly year despite all our "Happy New Year" proclamations to the contrary. So, now that we're prepared to take you seriously, could you please lighten up a bit? Please? Thank you.
posted by eclectic @ 12:24 PM
19 comments
19 Comments:
2009 sure is giving 2007 a run for its money. Hugs.
Music can't hurt. This is the one I turn to during icky times like this:
http://tinyurl.com/9b9tth
Holy shit. I'm so sorry. One thing I can say, if I ever needed "help" you're one of the few people I'd want in my corner. You're a rock my friend.
you may feel like you're standing helplessly by, unable to do anything, but your support really does help the ease the burdens of those you care about. think how much heavier their burdens would be if you weren't there...nigh on unbearable.
Can I tell you a secret?
Last year when I going through the absolute worst time of my life, your kind words really "helped".
I'm just a stranger on the internet and yet your words always managed to touch me deeply. I have to believe your friends find great comfort just having you in their lives. Face it, you're just that kind of person.
Hugs
That feeling of helplessness really is maddening. I've had a few close friends going through very rough times this past year, and know the feeling all too well.
Sometimes just letting people know we care and support them is the best thing we can do. Hope you're hanging in there.
I know.
You are very gifted with words; I'm thankful for that, along with the many other reasons I give thanks for you.
Kat: I'll take the hugs, and thank you! '09 is really taking itself far too seriously for this early in the year, isn't it? Still, I hold hope that it's getting all the crap out of the way up front, leaving only good stuff for the remainder of the year. Especially July. I'm just sayin'.
Bloggy: Ah, you always know just the right thing. You're a good Bloggy. Thanks man.
Q: I'm ALWAYS and forever in your corner, Q. And really, the rock part's not so bad when you recognize it's only my head. ;) Thanks for being here. It means a lot to me.
Dykewife: How sweet you are to stop by and leave such encouragement for me! Thank you.
TysGirl: Well you're not technically a stranger since you live only a stone's throw away from family, but maybe you ARE a little strange now that I think of it. I mean, you do call ME one of your friends. If that's not strange, what is? ;) I am touched by what you said here. Thank you very much. Hugs back!
Jenny: It really IS maddening. Thanks for dropping by and for understanding. The other thing we can do is drink. Pour you a scotch?
Susie: And you are very gifted with intuition, among the many reasons I give thanks for you. I know you know, but I'm just sayin'. Y'know? Thanks for being here.
(((((Twinnie)))))
This was my 2004. All year long. One situation after another where I was completely helpless to do anything. I hate that feeling too, and hope that you're done with it in 2009. :-(
Oh wow! That is brutal in every sense of the word. But, you know, just 'being there' helps greatly. I'm so sorry you're getting blindsided by all this. Hugs.
That just sucks. There is no other way to describe it.
I always find inventing to curse words to be eefective way of coping.
Twinnie: Hugs to you, too. There's no such thing as too many hugs, I'm thinking.
Dave: Thanks. I'm hoping so too. It's a bit overwhelming right now. Have fun in CA - glad you got there safely! Give Hilly a squeeze for me, eh?
Kranki: Brutal is a perfect description. Thanks for the hugs! I don't suppose Yoshi sent a delicate purr or anything for me? Probably not. *sigh* Maybe Dexter?
William: It really does suck. But it's weird how "normal" today is even so. My kids are at school, hearings are being heard on schedule... it's so strange how the world doesn't even seem to notice our little tragedies unfolding, y'know? Sucks.
Pain of the spirit and pain of the heart are the absolute WORST!!! Physical pain? Bring it on!! I can handle it. My friends and family being faced with loss and fear and heartache that no words can describe or take away....that sucks beyond anything in my control. So, yes, I know what you mean.
Last year when 2008 was rang in with one of my closest friends dying in an accident was one of the worst times in my life. Remembering back now to how hard Shelly and a few close friends (in particular) tried their hardest to take my pain away and make me feel somewhat "okay" in the middle of that tornado of grief...well, it is now and will always be a reminder to me of how hard we all try to help those we love in situations where all you have to offer is love and human kindness. Both of those things stay with you for a very long time. They wrap you up and keep you safe.
Having had you in my corner during a time of loss I can say for certain that your love and friendship is a great gift in anyone's life that knows you. You're an amazing woman and friend and I am so thankful to have you in my life. Hugs to you and the families that are going through these tragedy's. Everyone will be okay, it just takes time.
Love you girl.
Ang
This comment has been removed by the author.
Miss Eclectic - You are such a strong person, both in spirit and physcially. I hate that you are not able to "fix" everything for those around you, and know that you are doing what you can for those you care for. You help just by being there for them.
I will keep you and yours in my prayers.
((Hugs))
(((many hugs)))
The march forward can be a real bitch, but what else can one do? Honestly, you are stronger than you realize.
(Okay that's what I wanted to type the first time...comment re-added)
Wow, that made me spin too. Hang on.
I'm so sorry. It's hard when these things happen and realize there's nothing you can do to change reality.
But, as others have said, your words are very healing. I just happened to be looking at some of my old posts. Your comments when my mom was really sick, then when she died, were very comforting.
I wish I could do something to help you through this. It sucks. Just know that I love you, sis.
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