Wherein you help a sistah out.
I'm a liar. A big fat no-good lazy liar. Because last post, I said that next up would be pictures... but nary a one have I even downloaded yet. However, as you can see, the prospect of turning myself into that sort of liar has not caused me to shut up, because here I am posting, even without the photos as promised. So, not only do I lie, but also, I'm brash about it. And you're friends with me. HAH!
My fourteen-year-old is throwing tough questions around lately. Today she hit me with the whole, "How do you know which interest to pursue, when you are interested in and possibly capable of so many varying things?" (There I go, lying again! She didn't phrase it just like that, it's not actually a quote.) That was the gist of the conversation. And while her dad and I have really tried not to overly influence her choices, it appears she wants us to intervene and send her down one or another path, just to relieve her of the obligation and responsibility of choice. She's persuasive, I'll give her that.
However, I am not completely stupid. A liar perhaps, but an idiot? Not totally. Because I didn't answer her. I knew -- instinctively -- that this is a question for you, my lovely internets. So I ask you, on her behalf, what advice do you give? Did a parent, teacher or other significant figure ever give you suggestions that you found helpful? How did all of you make your choices as to what to pursue, who to become? How did you find your individual path(s)? What have you told your own children, nieces, nephews, friends? And more importantly, what sort of wine goes best with discussions of this nature? HA! Kidding. Maybe.
posted by eclectic @ 11:45 AM
20 comments
20 Comments:
When my students ask, I tell them to try anything and everything that interests them. If you don't like it, move on. But don't quit something because it's hard. Usually the most challenging things are the ones most worth doing.
But then it's easy to give that advice when you're still figuring it out yourself, I think.
As for wine -- any and all that contain alcohol. :)
my parents always told me i was a complete disappointment and that i'd never amount to anything. maybe you can try that?
(reason number eleventy billion why i should never become a parent.)
My HS guidance counselor told me I'd end up picking one thing and being really, really good at it, or I'd never be able to decide. Yeah, so far it's been the latter option for me. Stupid guidance counselor--what kind of "guidance" is that?
TV. I always take inspiration from TV. It's basically just life boiled down, isn't it? Surely that stuff happened to someone, somewhere, along the way, right? See, like I used to watch Courtship of Eddie's Father and I knew right away I needed a little Eddie in the future.
Today he started the fifth grade, even though I didn't name him Eddie.
Whatever she chooses, tell her she CAN always come home.
(now, get your ass over here and look at MY vacation photos since you didn't post yours)
I'm no expert on wine, but I'm guessing the best kind is whatever is in the nearest open bottle [or box?].
I think teenagers should be pursuing everything [but not everyone] that they find interesting. And I agree with Matt that the ones that are difficult are usually the most worth pursuing.
The best wine is a good, thick red Zinfandel or a Tempranillo. Start by telling her that. Then tell her to disregard everything her HS guidance counselor tells her. Follow that up by making her talk to your friends and ask them questions about what they do and why they do it, but don't ever let her off the hook. She has to build her own path.
Tell her your own story and how you came to believe it's best not to tell a kid what to do. That's my contribution. I think it's wonderful that she asks you such things.
And to Shawkey, your guidance counselor almost got it right -- you're really, really good at a lot of things. (Kind of like Eclectic, actually.)
First of all, a nice Cab makes everything better.
Gosh, I remember being 14 and having all these ideas of what I could do and what I could be. After all these years, all have fallen to the wayside except for one that I know I will never pursue (being a cop).
For The Pea, I tend to advise her that she stop eating off the floor but I've also been preparing to tell her what I tell my little cousins - that whatever they pursue, they need to get a good education so that they will always have opportunities.
Any wine goes best with these discussions. The more, the better.
I don't know who influenced me to be an Executive Assistant. I do know that I didn't feel I was good at ANYTHING until my business teacher in High School said "We want to put you to work in an office for half of the school day." When I started to stammer and tell her I couldn't do it, she said "We'll put you in there. If you can't do it, we'll get you out. You need to try, though."
So I did, as a secretarial assistant. And I did it.
So, thank you Mrs. Johnson with the chronic halitosis.
Oh, and Jennifer from WKRP may also have been a role model... who didn't want to look like her? :)
Matt: You know what? I think the real secret is that you never stop figuring it out. There's this idea that one day you wake up and you have become who you are. But that's not what I'm finding... instead, I think who you are continues to evolve throughout your whole life and each day brings you more opportunities to refine, edit or rewrite.
Kat!: Well, if I thought it could help her be like you, I'd try it in a heartbeat!! (BTW, the only reason needed to not become a parent is because you don't want to. If you ever did become a parent, you'd be just as fabulous at that as you are at every other thing you do, in spite of how you were raised.)
Shawkey: That's exactly her situation. And she just doesn't want to have to choose. But I fear if she doesn't choose some over others, she's going to flounder. I don't know...
Bloggy: Oh you're so right, she CAN always come home. In fact, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to handle it when she leaves. (And those are such nice vacation photos that maybe I don't need to post mine now afterall.)
Tim: How nice to see you! She does pursue EVERYTHING, and she's interested in SO MANY THINGS, that her schedule is ridiculous!! She tends to embrace the more challenging ones, but then feels guilty abandoning the "easy" ones, and ends up chasing her tail all over again.
Sir: Tempranillo is one I've not had. So now I'll spend the weekend in search of a good one. I love to have a new project!! As for letting her off the hook? Nah. This is one girl who could honestly change the world if she decides to, and I'm not about to let her start coasting.
Susiekins: How do you do that?? How do you always know how to be wise AND gracious all at the same time? When I see you, you're gonna get such a big ol' hug, it's gonna squeeze the stuffing outta you. Thank you, sister/friend.
Zuhn: Yay! Red wine!! I'll be sure to mention the "no eating off the floor" thing to B. You never know when that could come in handy. And yes, higher education is mandatory in this family.
CK: More wine. Check. So are you telling us here that you look like Loni Anderson? Because I always thought you were prettier than she is.
My mom kind of "bullied" me into a nursing degree that was SO much more what she wanted for me (or herself?) than anyting I wanted. After six months of clinicals I knew it wasn't mmy gig and finished my (useless) degree in Psych. Knowing what I know now it should have been in animal behavior. Sigh. Shelly had a very different experience with all of that that I hope she makes her way by to share with you.
Ang
I kid (heh, talking about kids) you not...I just opened the PACKAGING (or wrapper to common folk) to a Dove candy. The VERY first one said.....
Live may challenge us, but we start and end with family.
See? It IS all about the packaging (and the TV).
My mom told me to be whatever I wanted as long as it wasn't a teacher. She was a teacher and she swore it was thankless most of the time and it never paid what it should.
Three guesses as to my current career.
Looking back though I wish someone had sat me down and told me the benefits of majoring in at one thing from the math/science field (read: places where you can get jobs) in addition to my history major. I think I could have done both and at 30 years of age I would be a big fan of more options.
p.s. - This comment is so long due to me egregiously having never commented before.
For this conversation I think you need something a lot stronger than wine.
Angie: We must trade stories about this next time we're together. My dad coerced me into studying nursing too, FOR TWO YEARS, until I surreptitiously changed my major to Communications without telling him. I'd love to hear Shelly's input!
Bloggy: Well, if the folks at Dove chocolate say so, then it must be true. Meanwhile, show us your pecs. ;)
GSR: Bonus points for correct use of "egregiously." How lovely to see you here! It's funny, because the one thing we tell her not to be is a lawyer, so your story hits home. Our daughter, B, is fascinated by history and contemplates concentrating her studies in that direction. We wish she'd capitalize on her A.P. math/science opportunities as well.
TysGirl: Will a nice single-malt do the trick? Because I have one in the cupboard calling me. ;)
I was going to say "No, I don't look anything like Loni Anderson." Her character was just a vague sort of aspiration.
But YOU, YOU are a major inspiration to me. More as a human being, not just as a glorified secretary.
Love you. Happy Friday.
Champagne = celebration
Beer = reflection
Tequila = impromptu floor inspection (thud)
Q:Why does Sir Connery drink single-malt scotch?
A:"There can only be one!"
Lame: I has it.
I was not given any help in finding a major. So, it was easy for me to quit college when my boyfriend (now ex-husband) talked me into moving in with him after I finished my first year.
I was thinking about studying Psychology and becoming a counselor. It took me so many years to get back to college that I ended up studying business. Well, work paid for the rest of my degree so I can't complain about that.
Knowing now that every decision I made had to be mine, I do wish I'd had a bit of help. Even a pro/con chart starting with two things, then dropping the one with more cons and adding another, etc.
Anyway, I don't know why your site doesn't have an RSS feed. I finally set up Google Reader and have to remember to check here for your updates! :-)
Shari, a good point about the RSS feed. I never post, and even I have a feed.
Also, you're way too freaking smart.
I told both my girls not to make decisions that young. That's what adulthood is for. Being a teenager is like being allowed unlimited access to an all-you-can-eat buffet. Adulthood means you have to order a la carte and count calories.
Personally, I postponed any decision on what to be when I grew up until ... um ... OK, I'll get back to you on that.
And good call on sussing out that she wanted YOU to take responsibility for making HER choices. My kids tried that with me. I simply encouraged them to pick a career that would allow them to afford a good nursing home for me. Preferably one that serves single malt scotch at bedtime.
Of course, then they both decided to become teachers. Ah, well. At least they'll be able to afford a fluffy pillow to smother me with.
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